Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Week 4/2-4/8: Managing Face & Managing Conflict through Forgiveness: Part 2
I had something very private happen to me about a year and a half ago. Only few friends and minimal family members know about it. I felt it was not necessary for people to know about this event in my life. A few months later I visited some family in Los Banos and I brought my boyfriend to meet them. Some family flew into California from Idaho and was also in Los Banos, so it was a great day to have a meet and greet with Randy. The moment I walked in the door my aunt asked why I did not tell her about my secret. I was caught off guard, completely embarrassed, and angry. I told her the truth, and understood. I asked where she heard this private information, and she stated my sister told her. This was unlike my sister, so this made me even more infuriated. Once I was home, I called and asked her about it. She said she didn’t tell my aunt and that it was my mother. This made more sense knowing her character. I told my mother to keep my information quiet from now on, and I told her how I could no longer trust her. It was harder for me to forgive my mom since I had originally asked her not to tell anyone.
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I totally understand where you are coming from. I have told my mom private information and it always seems to 'spill out' somehow whether it is to my dad or sisters. The last time I got extremely upset and told her that I wasn't going to tell her anything anymore if she kept doing this. She totally understood and then explained to me that she needed some advice and that is why she told my secrets! I saw where she was coming from but told her that if she had the urge to tell someone because she needed advice to consult me first!
ReplyDeleteTo have a close family member that you trust share a secret you asked to remain confidential would be a hard thing to forgive. As you stated, it could also easily lead to a lack of trust. In Chapter 6 we learned that “breaches of trust are seemingly unforgiveable and contribute to a harmful climate.” In addition to your current lack of trust in her, I’m guessing you are still experiencing emotional residues, which the authors of our book write are, “lingering emotional responses to the memory of the transgression.” Emotional residues are what is left when a core relationship rule is broken through a relational transgression such as your mom not keeping confidential something you asked her to keep quiet. What a difficult experience for you!
ReplyDeleteI think that it makes it really difficult when someone we are sort of groomed to trust breaches our trust. parents are supposed to be on your side and i know when my mom does similar things it really irritates me. My mom told me that she had been talking to my aunt about details about my personal information and it really pissed me off. I knew she wasn't doing it to be angry, and I let it slide, but it was pretty frustrating.
ReplyDeleteHey Comm Rocker,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had to experience the loss of trust in your mom. I think that is one of the hardest actions to forgive in someone, because once they break your trust, it takes quite a while to gain back. This is especially true if they break your trust in a big deep way. For me, if my family or friends tell little white lies or hide small things here or there for silly reasons, it is no big deal. But when I tell someone a very personal secret and they reveal it to others, it is hard for me to ever open up to them again.